Cerridwen's Cauldron

Our First Week in October

2006-10-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I have been successful when it comes to making a schedule that keeps us

H-O-P-P-I-N!!!

We started the week out on Monday with a trip out to Hurst to Chisholm park. Our homeschoolers group meets there every monday from 11 to 3. It was hot (102) so we only stayed about 2 hours. Popped home for Talon to grab a shower and for us to have some lunch. Then off to karate class. Home again after that.

Tuesday was a field trip to Sharkarosa Ranch. It was homeschoolers day there so the price was low, but they said this was the first time they had done this and they had about 10 times more people show up than they planned for. It is about an hour and a bit away. It is like a small wildlife preserve. We carpooled with Seana and her two little girls. They are from our homeschoolers list. It was HOT and the lines were very long, but we held out and endured to see all the animals. It was well an experience. Then it was off to drop Seana and the girls off at their house, go home change the sheets on the bed, run some laundry, grab us some lunch, and then get a quick shower. Tyler got home then and I was out the door to bellydancing class. It is a blast and a work out too! I was practicing my figure 8's and had my eyes closed....I was trying to find the right beat with the music. All of a sudden I heard all this clapping. Everyone in the class was applauding my figure 8's. It was good to know I was getting something right. Man my butt hurst today! Clench.....clench....clench....clench....oy vey!

Today it is off to sign class with one of the mom's who is on our homeschoolers list. I think it iwill be a great chance for Talon to practive with other kids. Later today I have to run to Wal-mart and pick up a few things.....fruit and cat food and such. Then this afternoon Talon has soccer.

Tomorrow it is off for homeschoolers day at the ft. worth zoo. all day thing, but that is the goal...keep busy and keep my butt off the couch. the busier I am the less likely depression will come after me.....or at least I wont let it catch me!!!!!

Friday is Whiffle ball with the homeschoolers group at Trinity park. It sounds fun. Then I have a crop from 6 to 12am.

Saturday we started voluenteering as a family at a local animal sanctuary for big cats. It is www.priderock.org. We spend most of Saturday there. We just love it. Talon can ride his bike and Tyler and I help weed, rake leaves, tidy up and such. I just hope it is not as hot as it was last week!

Sunday is down day. relax and recoup. then start new for monday.

that is all for now.....gotta fly outta here

cerridwen

Well I guess I start counting again...was almost one year cut free

2006-09-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

i gave into the urge last night. i have been feeling shitty for a few days and it just got to the point that i cried all i could cry and it was not helping. i went to take a shower. scrabbued down and then proceded to slice up my right thigh. i suppose it was a frenzy thing. trying to get rid of the anger and judgement i felt. i can usually tend to these myself, but last night i got all woozy and dizzy. i had not eaten yesterday. and i had to call tyler to come help me.
she did a great job. bandaged me and let me snuggle by her till i fell asleep.

i am so angry with myself that after all this time i broke down and gave in. i am going to see a new psychiatrist on monday to help me see if my saddness and lack of interest is a med problem.

i will start today new and try to deal witht he things that come my way better. tyler said i may have to go in to get some stitches. on cut reopened this morning and was running down my leg. i just bandaged it and am hoping to stay clear of the er.

thanks for listening,
cerridwen

Having a down day

2006-09-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

One of those bad days snuck up and bit me on the tail. I have been trying to fight it off all day.
** got up early to take Talon to Nature Camp. Got lost for 2 plus hours and never did end up finding my way there.
** trying to make the best of a bad situation we ended up going to a local park to play for a bit.
** we came home for awhile and took a nap.
** we then went to the library and found lots of cool new things to read
--raffi song book
--books on martial arts
--some dinosaur books
--and some books related our apple theme this month
--also i checked out a new belly dance dvd

**tyler took us out to dinner at Outback tonight. She had gotten several gift certificate cards for participating in projects at her work. Dinner was a nice treat.

** on the way home i launched into a full blown panic attack. tried to hide it from her. she tends to feel offended if i get upset. it was nothing she said or did. just shit in my head.

** how long does this shit go on in my head? how long will i keep hearing my mom telling me i am a fat cow? how long will i feel like i am nothing and i contribute nothing to my family? how long will i constantly hear inside my head that i am stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, broken, worthless, too damaged to be a parent, incapable of being a good mom, unable to get my child to behave or learn anything?????? HOW LONG????? WHAT MAKES THESE THINGS STOP??????

** i know some of these things to be irriational but it makes no difference to me. I still believe them to the point i can believe nothing else.

** how can i ever be a good mom when i am so damaged? i won't ever be as good as lydia or heather or cherie. i am sooo angry with myself. i hate the person i am. i want so much to be someone else. someone better. someone smarter. someone prettier. i just dont know how to get there. how to find that person.

it is comming up on a year since i last cut. why is it what when i feel worthless i want to cut???? i guess because when i feel this way it is like so many feelings that i dont know how to explain them or who to explain them to. i try to shove them down so deep that i forget about them.....but then they pop back up. at least cutting is something i can control. it is slow and soft and easy. it makes the feelings stop. i know i will feel better afterwards. i know i will feel that tired rush and just want to fall asleep. i suppose almost like an addict. i know i want it. i know it will make me stop feeling the feelings i dont want to feel. it gives me control. i can feel the feelings and think to myself .......yeah all those people have said horrid things to me and hurt me emotionally and spiritually.....but NO ONE will ever be able to inflict the kind of pain on me that i can inflict on myself. so fuck you all......it is like taking away their power. taking it back. if only to harm myself with it.....but still taking it back.

i will try with all that i have left in me not to cut. to search for another way to rid myself of these feelings. i will try!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cerridwen

Pics of yard, plants, and Talon with Anna

2006-09-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Was that almost a whole week that snuck by?

2006-09-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

Where does time go???? Been busy here. I am not sure who put the word out that my family and I are open for a mosquito buffet. We have so many bites....it is all itch...scratch...itch! To hell with after dinner mints...it is after dinner Benadryl here. Just to keep the itching at bay!

I have been watching Anna the past two days and she will be here tomorrow. She was a terror on the first day, but she did now know us and we did not know her. By mid day today Talon was asking if we could keep her. I got some of the cutest pics of the two of them. It is such an odd pairing since he is 49 inches tall and about 85 pounds and she is height....well tiny and weighs just 13 pounds. But he is so good with her. I have some very different views of parenting as opposed to her mom. She wanted me to leave her in the swing and let her cry herself to sleep. UH NOPE!!!! I THINK NOT!!! how can i as someone who believes completely in attachement parenting and baby wearing allow that. Oh and the don't change her until her diaper is really fat and dont change her clothes unless she poops on them.....un yet another NO!!! She is a drooling mess and I am not leaving her in wet clothes or wet bibs or wet diapers. So she leaves and I do things my way. I do not have time to argue with her. I will not treat anyone elses child in a way i would not want my child treated. if she does not like my style she is free to find another sitter!

i am tired. guess it is the benadryl. tomorrow night is crop night. i am excited. i pod is fully loaded and i am ready to go!

pics comming soon....of the yard and talon and anna
cerridwen

Friday Night Highlights

2006-09-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ok I am totally guilty of not blogging on a regular basis. I guess life caught up with me. So I will fill yall in on the goings on here.....*listening to "London Bridge" London London London*

--Been working hard to make sure Talon is participating in enough social activities. Registered him for a karate class and a basketball class at the rec center. He and I are also participating in the Nature Camp that the homeschoolers group goes to once a month. We are going to several productions by the children's theater. Add in the library, the park, bike rides, and other stuff....his calender is full.

--I have been back to the fertility doctor. I have to do 2 more months on the YAZ and then she wants to try me on Letrozol. It is supposed to be similar to Clomid. Seems the YAZ has blessed me with some acne that I thought I was long done with. Not alot just one or two spots, but ugh!

--Tyler is scheduled to have gastric bypass in October. We are having to pay for it since there seems to be an exclusion in our health insurance. Oh well I would rather spend the money on that and have here here with me. We are all excited about the changes to come. We will have a hard time adjusting in the beginning, but I think it will benifit us all greatly.

--a woman from Tyler's work needs an emergency baby sitter next week and I am gonna be keeping her 5 month old little girl. Seems fun. But she is soooo tiny. and she is a girl! I really am more comfortable tending to little boys. I mean 4 brothers and a son. Guess it is time to branch out and learn something new.

--We got back from vacation and had the sprinkler system put in. We have slowly been adding plants in the front and back yard. We bought 2 yellow hibisus plants. They are beautiful. Also 2 blue hygrangias. 2 palm trees, a flat of this kinda tufted grass, 3 big puffy grasses like sand dune grass and 2 dwarf banana plants. talon also chose some flowers that are purple. The yard is starting to come back to life. some grass is actually growing!!!

--We are trying to go GAME SYSTEM free. well at least during the week. they broke down and pulled it out tonight. it is fine with me. friday is my night for scrapbooking. there was no crop tonight so i am home, but still working on a scrapbook swap.

that is all for now!
cerridwen

Requested update for today

2006-08-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

It is Friday. Still pretty much the same old things going on here. Yesterday I kept Talon hoppin' and he crashed out around 9:30. Now that is WAY earlier than his normal 11:30 bedtime!
Yesterday we also did this cool crafty thing. I saw someone post something similar on the DIY scrapbooking board, but we tried it her way. We did not like it. So we got creative and came up with our own plan as to how to make it.
The board stated you can make shapes out of toilet paper if you layer them into a mold and then wet them. Well that worked out fine, but it was not all that intresting. So we changed some things.
I added bleeding tissue paper (means when wet the color will fade out into the water) to several cups. We then tore the toilet paper into squares nad put it in the blender with water. buzz buzz buzz and we had a white pulp kinda stuff. I strained the water out and we packed in into the molds (we used sculpy molds and made leaves and flowers and candy molds to make frogs and turtles). We experimented with adding drops of the colored water and letting it seep through. We also tipped them out and painted some of them with Talon's glitter water colors (ohhhhh we both just love these!---they are by prang) We put them on a cookie sheet and let them stay in the oven for a bit on 170. they came out so cool. don't know what we will do with then yet but they are fun to make and look cool.
so we are off to have some lunch.
cerridwen

A "Nothing New" Monday

2006-08-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

Spent most of the day without power again. Seems some faulty transformers in the area are being worked on so, I am very thankful to have the power back on tonight. Also spent the better part of the day making phone calls.
*Rain Bird to have the sprinkler system installed
*Dr. Graham to reschedule my bloodwork
*Dentist for Talon and I
*Pet Sitter about confusion dealing with pets while we were gone
*our neighbor to try to get the number for our gardener. I lost it and he did not come at all while we were on vacation.

My day ended in a lovely way. Tyler took me to a Yankee Candle shop she found that is not far from the house. We chose Farmhouse Apple for September and Harvest for October. Then on to Pumpkin Pie in November and we are still deciding on December. She feels having imput into the smells in the house is better than having me show up with some smell she has to tolerate for a month!!! It was a lot of fun though! I liked picking the scents as a family.

time for dinner and on to fasting for tomorrows bloodwork.....
cerridwen
**Be the Change You Want to See!**

The Trip Back Home and into the Working on the Future

2006-08-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well the best planned plans never seem to turn out like they are planned. We were supposed to go to Penn. to see my online moms group and finally get to meet them in person. Regretfully, we did not make it there. I feel terriable about not getting further along on our trip.

To speak honestly, once I saw my mom I was afraid to leave. I had not seen her is so long 1996 was the last time I recall seeing her outside of jail in 1999. She seemed so frail and tiny. I was slammed with the memory of saying "goodbye" to my grandma in March of 1999 with plans to come back and see her in June of '99. She died less than one month later. I never saw her or spoke to her again. All I could think of was what if this was the last time I saw my mom. I mean she is finally clean and sober and I am just getting to know her. I made a hasty decision that I wanted to leave town right then. No goodbye no nothing. Just gone. If I don't face it then I don't have to acknowledge it. We packed up our stuff but I could not do it. I did not want to leave her. I mean damn I finally just got a mom and I only got to have her for a few days. Tyler extended our hotel stay. The days were still up and down full of crying and emotions I thought I had put away in the back of my mind under piles of other shit. Every day was hot, humid, tearful, joyous, sad, hesitant, regretfilled, and such.

So after a week we came home. It took the whole day before we left to get things worked out with my mom. I mean the crying just would not stop. I was angry, resentful, hurt, confused, lost, and much more. I knew I was gonna miss her so very much and I just could not admit it. that meant admitting weakness and needyness. and no one likes a person who is weak and needy!!!!

After that, we made a mad dash home. I cried most of the first day of driving. then some of the second day. I wanted to go back. I wanted to make things all better for her. Yeah me the chronic fixer. Thinking I can fix anything for anyone and it will be all better! I am the model of an enabler. She is doing fine. I need to take care of myself. That will help her more than me trying to fix everything for her.

I came home with tons of emotions. All I honestly wanted to do was sneak away to the bathroom and run the razor across my thighs and watch all those feelings pour out on the floor. get them out of me so I no longer had to feel them. I did not. I cried more. I am reading the Al-anon information my mom gave me. I have been reading the book called "Courage to Change". It has offered me a ray of hope that the things I feel can be delt with. I am hesitant. But we said we would read the devotionals together and I read mine every morning. From the courage book and a greenish book. I read them in the am and at night before bed. Change is scary. admitting things is scary. but I am hanging in here and going to a local alanon meeting this monday.

cerridwen

check in

2006-08-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

ok so now that i am here i can't think of what to say. seems like i had a lot to say a few minutes ago when i was sitting in the bathroom crying.
for those who might not know i made my first trip back to tybee island, georgia since march 1999. this in itself may not seem like such a big deal but with my family it definately is a big deal. at this point i am not sure comming back was a good idea. there is just too much emotional crap here for me to deal with. not one day has gone by that i have not spent a good bit of it in tears and full of guilt and anger. i just don't know how to let it go. lets see to touch on some brief points here:
**driving by the house i was raised in and seeing it in shambles. the people bought it from my grandpa right after my grandma's death and gave him little to nothing for it. seeing the place i grew up just like a pile of old trash.
**seeing my mother for the first time since then. last time i was here she was a "guest of the state" so i could only see her for like 5 minutes and she was behind he glass wall. we talked using the freaky jail phones.
**seeing my brother cliff and his children. it was hard because he has so many it makes me very jealous. i feel like i am being punished in some way. some people sneeze sideways and get pregnant but not me. he is good with his kids, but it just makes me wish talon had some siblings to play with. i feel like the punishment is that i am not good enough. i try really hard to be a good mom. a patient, present, there mom... but i guess that is not good enough.
**hearing that last night my brother bubba (yes the one that robbed us) just had a baby with some chick he got knocked up. Great another child born to a couple who are unemployed and uneducated. man i hope he gets a good dose of how hard it is to be a parent. i wish no ill will on the child, she did not pick her parents.
**visiting my grandma's gravesite for the first time. i came home to visit in march of 1999 and she was in the hospital but they said she was doing better and she would be comming home in a few days. tyler and i made plans to come back in june to visit. she died in april before i couldl get back.

ya know that sometimes i am just so full of guilt and anger that i don't know what to do. i want to numb it away. sometimes it feels like there is so much sadness inside me that i just don't want to feel it any more. i just want to be numb for awhile and just not feel anything. how do other people do it? people would look at my life and say oh she has things easy. but how do i get rid of the old stuff?

inside myself i know that i am not good enough for anything. not good enough for people to love me. not good enough that my mom loved me enough to stop drinking and take care of me. I have so much guilt over my grandma's passing. maybe if i would have here she would have lived longer and better. if i had been here maybe the house would not have gotten sold. some of these things seem so irrational and i know that i could not have controlled them, but it still does not make me feel any less guilty.

just GUILT, ANGER, GUILT, AND MORE GUILT. today isn't the first time i have wanted to cut again. but i did not have anything. and believe me i searched the hotel room.

tyler and my mom both say that i have to let it go. but how!!! they say try the serenity prayer....let go and let god....and other such stuff. and i try those things. i just never stick with anything.

cerridwen....with a pounding headache and bloodshot eyes

Tyler scored me some "Weeds"!!!!!

2006-07-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Tyler stopped by Fry's last night to get a new battery for the remote in the car (it controls the dvd player and the game controls). She brought me home a suprise!!!!
I SCREAMED when I opened the bag!

It was the first season of WEEDS on dvd.

This is a show that comes on Showtime and is about a mom whose husband dies and she starts selling pot to be able to afford to stay in suburbia.
Now I have watched every episode of this some mutiple times through On Demand.
I love almost all the characters and the whole pot thing reminds me of growing up.
It was just something that was around then. Not today mind you....but I enjoy the show very much and I can not wait to be able to watch it on the trip.

***NOTE*** this is definately an adults only show!

Tyler is such a sweetie!!! She knows me so well! Thanks honey!

~~dwen~~

What was I thinking?

2006-07-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

We saw a flyer the other night for a cat that needed a home. Talon has been wanting a cat of his own forever. so we called and went and picked up the cat the next day. Now if you could see into this screen and see my face you would see this....puffy, red swollen eyes, itchy everything, sneezing, runny nose, itchy throat and ears. ugh!!! and all i can do it wait until the benadryl kicks in and walk a thin line of miserable and sleepy. yeah i know i have cat allergies and i brought this on myself by allowing him to have the cat. but it is one of those things that he loves. he reads from his book about cats everyday. it is one of those huge coffee table books all about cats.
Now the other issue is the cat is not quite getting along with our other cats nor is she all the way litter box trained. so the issues with ember press on. i sat up with her for several hours in the bathroom. she was whinning and crying so i went in and sat with her and petted her. this allowed for the allergies to get full blown.
so oh great mother of all....please send some pee in the box vibes for ember. i ask nothing more. i can deal with the allergies, but just let her understand the potty box!
cerridwen

That old feelin' again

2006-07-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Just venting here. I wanted to call my mom to talk, but I figured she would be busy with the 4th holiday and all. Tyler is having some side effects from the spinal steroidal injection. She read up on it and it is something called "Steroidal Psychosis". OY VEY!!! She read that it can effect 5 to 10% of the people who have this type of injection. I tell you I feel like I am loosing it.

She is very moody, depressed, sad, grumpy, and so on. This is not to say that having these feelings are what she wants. She can not control it. The you add my crazy ass into the mix. I just keep telling myself....

"HOLD IT TOGETHER WE BOTH CAN'T BE CRAZY AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

so it is now my time to hold things together. but it does not make it any easier. I sat in here earlier with my headphones on as loud as they would go and i still could not make the music loud enough to drown out the feelings.....Linkin Park's Numb.....pounded into my head as I smashed the headphones against my head with all my strength. It helps only a tiny bit.

everyone cant feel like this????? What is wrong with me??? I left the office and found my secret stash of razor blades. I gripped the case and I cried. Locked in the bathroom. I felt lost, afraid and alone. I battled within myself....cut or not to cut. I counted up how much time I had cut free. 9 months. since I last cut. what difference does it make? only hiding it now would be almost impossiable. I squeeze the case tighter in my hand. I jump up and tell myself NO I WONT LET THIS COME FOR ME HERE!!! I rehid the box of blades. I pulled on my swimsuit. It was already past sundown. I went outside. I was gonna swim or float or something but I was not gonna cut. I was not going to allow myself to do it even one time. Here I am trying to teach my child how to handle and deal with emotions that I can not deal with myself. so I vacuumed the pool. and the spa. came in took a shower.

I still feel aimless. Searching for something. I can feel it deep down. I have even sat and thought to myself.....how do I fill this void? I can't fill it with shopping---i could buy the world and still have an empty feeling. I can't fill it by eating....nothing really tastes good and then all you have done is consume shit you did not need to eat....but what is it i am lacking? why do i feel empty? how to other people learn to fill this space and what do they fill it with????

cerridwen.....confused and lost....but still cut free 9+ months

What is in a day?

2006-07-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I think the saying goes something like what you put into a day is waht you get out of the day. I opened this windown at least 2 hours ago to try to blog down some things that were going on....it is now much, much, much, later and I am now just getting the first words written.
*Be Thankful* I tell myself. *Be Thankful* for all I know. *Be Thankful* for all that I been through. *Just Be Thankful*.....all Day I tell myself that. I reckon if I keep saying it I will get to a point that those words just pop into my head automatically.

I think deep down I am thankful. Sometimes when things get really stressed it is just hard to get a minute to catch my breath let alone a minute to stop and think to myself.

Tyler had her MRI and it shows 2 buldging disks. She went for her first spinal steroidal injection yesterday. She said it was the worst pain she had even been in. I hate feeling like I can't make her feel better. but with the injection and the fentenyl she is at least able to get up and move around some.

Thursday I endured yet another root canal....this makes 5th....the dr had to call in some kida oxy something to help with the pain. and (insert explative of choice) Thursday night I was eating a Tums at 2am and the last molar on my right side broke. I do not understand what to do with this......shit I am spending more at the dentist that any 10 people combined. They are closed till Tuesday and the broken tooth was so sharp it was cutting my tongue and hurts to to that. I felt like some kinda freak pioneer experiment....I squeezed 1/2 a tube of orajel on it and it that shit with my metal nail file. I was able to get it sanded down enough that it is not slicing into my tongue. to tuesday you will probabally find my happy ass at the dentist. errrrrr. they are nice but I so have other things I would rather be doing!!!!

I am counting down the days until I get to go visit my mom. I have not seen her since March of 1999. and eventhen it only for 5 minutes or so since she was "behind glass" as in the term incarcerated. she is so much better now and I really hope she stays that way. I don't want to fight any more. I just want to get to know her and for her to get to know my husband and my son.

This picture shows Talon and I makeing "Peanut butter Pizza" . We used a flour tortilla, a bit of peanut butter, a spoonfull of applesauce, and raspberry preserves for pepperoni, some blueberries for topping, and then topped the whole things with dots of cool whip for cheese. He said it was delicious. AHHHH the creative mind of a mom!!!!

cerridwen....just finished listening to Dani California and now is gonna turn on the "oldies".....some classics.....Pearl Jam...from the Ten album....Alive

Summer Glasses

2006-06-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

Talon and I have been hard at work this summer on new school stuff.
We are doing the summer reading list and also doing lots of fun art stuff.
He cut out and colored and put together these glasses the other day.
He is such a hoot.
I sure am blessed to be his mom!
--mom of a moop

I realized something today

2006-05-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have been doing alot of thinking about things from my past lately. Last night I realized something.

"I miss my brothers"

now this may sound strange, because they are all still alive. However, growing up seeing my mom get the shit beat out of her by men has made me HATE men.

Now my brothers have grown up to become the thing I hate. I loved them as kids, but as men they scare me.

So, I miss my brothers.

Cerridwen...on a long, long, long trek to try to understand how the past effects me today

Who do people turn to for support?

2006-05-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have recently been thinking alot about what I guess some people call "support systems". People often say how helpful they are, but I am not sure where to find them. What I mean is that while I would like support I don't know how to let people in to help me.

I feel that if I let people know what is really going on then they will forever think of me as weak, crazy, and undisiplined. In my mind I should be able to handle everything all by myself. If I go to other people for help then I am less of a person because I did not handle things myself.

Often I don't really need "help" but someone who will listen and kinda give me advice or suggestions. I rely a lot on my moms group. While I know they see me as a bit out there, I have been with them longer than I have ever maintained a friendship with anyone.

Right now just seems like a really hard time. I know it will pass and I will get through it. I guess I just wish I had the courage to really let people know how I felt and accept the help they offer me.

Cerridwen

Anxiety, Panic, and Appetizers

2006-05-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

errrr we are having the neighbors over for a bbq. i think i would rather sign up for a colonic than do this. and the strangest part is they are really nice people. they are an older couple that have been very welcoming and sweet.

honestly, i hate the panic i have before people come over. and today it is especially bad as i am dealing with some internal shit related to my mother. tyler's back is out and she is not able to help much. talon wants me to go in the pool with him. i feel stretched to my limits. it is not that i don't enjoy visiting with people i do. it is just that having people come into my house freaks me out. not when it is people i know, but people i don't know.

i have this chronic worry that the house smells funny. i am so frequently congested that i can never tell if things smell funny or not. i spend countless hours cleaning things and trying to make sure there is nothing that could possiably smell strange.

i just want it to be over with. errr i have this feeling like someone is squeezing my throat closed and jumping up and down on my chest. just come, eat and go!

cerridwen....who will never be tops at entertaining!

UGH where have I been???

2006-05-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sheesh one would think I had been out on holiday or some shit. Not even close! I have been spending my days trying to juggle housework, homeschooling, playtime outside, online responsibilities, and scrapboooking. Seems I have so much in the air that none of it is getting done well.

When it comes to homeschooling Talon....I feel like I never get it right. Yeah we do stuff, but overall I feel that I have always forgotten to get something in everyday. No matter what we do I still feel like I have not done my best at the homeschooling thing. Actually looking at it rationally from a medicated point of view (yeah prozac!) I must be doing something right. I mean he reads well and is well behaved and very smart. I just guess I hate the fact that I am not on a "schedule". Tyler has tried so hard over the years to make me see the benifits of them, but I just hate them. So everyday is different. Isnt that the way life really is?

The other place I have been hiding out is in the pool. See photo of my child mid-air in one of 100s of jumps he likes to do everyday. Since spring/summer has come on we have spent at least 2 hours a day everday in the pool. Morning, Noon, Night, it does not matter. We love to swim and we love the sun! Funny how moving away from Oregon will make you appreciate the hell outta the sun. Hell I thought we were the palest people I had ever seen. We could have slipped in with a group of goths and no one would have been the wiser. Well ok so maybe the overalls would have given us away.....but we were white! ghostly white!

that is all for now. i have much to do and not much time to do it in. Tyler has hurt her back and is in the chair now. She has been home for 2 days from work. I feel terriable for her. I wish there was something I could do to help her feel better. But with this type of low back thing there is not really much anyone can do. Just wait and hope.

toodles,
cerridwen

Rainy Thursday

2006-04-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well it is thursday....april 20th. oppss had to scroll down to the bottom of the screen to figure out the date. ya know things like that just are not important if you are a stay at home mom. I mean I remember days that I have to go somewhere...ok so i dont remember them all the time, but usually.

I am now back on my meds. I tell you it is night and day. that6 is the medicated me and the non-medicated me. I was so embarassed to tell tyler that i lost my meds. then once i called the pharmacy and they told me to refill my prozac only would be 126.00 i knew i was definately not gonna tell her. but apparently it is noticiable to others when i am off my meds. I can see a difference when I go back to read something I wrote while I was unmedicated. I sound so unstable.

I do have to say that for being off my meds for over 2 weeks i thought i held things together really well and that i did not go off the deep end. well ok i look over that way, but i did not walk tooo close. I did not cut. I kept myself in the company of others at times when i was the most vunerable and wanting to cut. I know it sounds like the craziest thing to people who dont really understand it. I wish I knew a way to make people understand it better. Sometimes I think people dont want to try to understand it. It is not something they confront in their daily lives so it is not important to them to learn anything about it.

and some of the folks who seem to judge me the hardest are folks that could stand to learn something about si. Lydia from my mom's board. She is a very wonderful person, but she and I have very different views on things. I feel like she would benifit from knowing something about this since she teaches kids in 6, 7, and 8th grades. si is very common in girls that age.

But that is a for another day. I am doing my best to keep my stuff together. since dec. i have lost 26 pounds. not really trying, but just they are not there.

all for now....got to go help talon finish up his schoolwork.

Can't ask for what I need

2006-04-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today I sit here. Tyler is asleep and Talon is in his room watching a DVD. This whole weekend has been one huge fuck up! Add neurosis to a weekend work schedule throw in a huge dose of Paper Mario and a dash of hives and there is my weekend. eveyone's sleep schedule is fucked up. Talon did not go to bed last night until 3am. Tyler did not turn in until 5am. I fell asleep at 2am. Normall this is not such a big deal, but it is extremely importnant to Tyler that we are "on a schedule".

I feel so damn lonely. My life is just all about trying to put up this front like things are fine. I seem to always be trying and never getting it right. Maybe no one really has it all together, but when I look at other people I feel like I can never get it right.

Tyler is completely tied up with work. I thought moving here would make things different. I know she has told me so many times that she is the kind of person that needs physical affection. I just feel frozen when it comes to that. I can't do anything. I beat myself up about not being perfect and then when she tries to be affectionate I just stand there frozen. Honestly, I miss that part of our relationship very much. Sex is not what I mean. Now I am not saying that sex is not a good thing, but hell at this point I would settle for affection.

I wish I could tell her I want that from her. I wish I knew how to accept it. It is like I want it, but if I tell her that then I am weak. I have failed. So then thoughts of cutting flash through my mind to punish myself for being such a weak willed person and even having the thought cross my mind to tell her that I want her to love on me. Just now I figured I better get this out before I am tempted to smash my hand in the door. I just have all these feelings inside and I am not sure what to do with them. Do I let them out and then admit I am not a strong person or do I keep them in and they drive me crazy.

Some of the mom's on my mom's board so have things together. I know that they could never even comprehend what I am going through with these feelings. I am currently unmedicated and want so much to just get to the dr. tmw and have her give me something to make me stop feeling things. If I am numb then I don't have to deal with this stuff. I go on auto-pilot. Just function and get through the day.

Strangely, I do well with Talon. We have fun and do a bit of educational stuff. We laugh and read and play and swim and sing and dance. I feel like I am a good mom, but a terriable person. Weak and undisiplined. I just know Tyler looks at all my flaws and only sees me as a fuck up. I want to make her happy but Idon't get that right either.

Shit I gotta go.....laundry, guinea pig cage, bathroom to clean, dishes, vacuuming, ironing, linens, and the list never stops!

cerridwen

Parenting--lasers, joints, the rede, and my child

2006-04-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

seems these days i wonder so much if i am being the best parent i can be. i try so very hard to make sure that i do all the things i thought my parents should have done for me when i was a child. this is not to say that i DO everything for talon. no not at all. i want to make sure he had plenty of time to be a child. not to be saddled with tons of housework or siblings to raise. i want him to have my time. i want to do things with him. i just love homeschooling him. i mean i am not so sure that is what i am doing? some would say we are more unschoolers than homeschoolers.

it seems to be one of those things that i can not seem to get across to people. learning does not just happen in the classroom!!! it happens in the pool, at the market, in the car, in the home, in the yard, at the store, and damn near just about any place you can think of. there are so many things out there to learn. so we just get out there and experience some of them.

we learn at the self check out. i am happy that we work in math, reading, patience, following directions and more in just that activity.

we learn in the car. yesteray we talked about lasers, joints and the wiccan rede in the car. my child amazes me everyday. what kids of lasers are there? what colors do they come in? what are they used for? how far can they shine? how strong are they? is your finger joint different from you wrist? this lead to a good discussion on types of joints and where they are on the body. how they all work. what they all look like. why we need different types. joint replacement. arthritis. we are learning the long version of the rede. so i am breaking it down into stanzas. we reviewed them in the car. talked again about what they mean.

i just am so grateful that everyday i get to spend with this child. there is no other job in the world i would rather have than being a mom!!!!

today when i was so panicked and upset talon said to me "oh it looks like you need to breathe." this is our code word for a tiny time out. he then said "i think you need 20 breaths. i will count them for you" we pretend we are breathing in soft puffy clean white clouds and blowing out icy stress filled gray-black clouds. it is so funny to hear him tell me some of the things i have been teaching him over the years. i guess i am making a difference in him.

6 months cut free

2006-04-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

i can hardly believe it! it has been 6 months since i last si. sometimes it feels like that was another lifetime ago. like i left all that pain back in oregon. i feel like i hated that place. i hated the space, the people, all of it. i NEVER want to go back there. it was a sad place right off. cold and dreary. wet and dirty. always something dirty....kids, shoes, pets, carpets, floors, always something. i will never have well water again. i will never get out of the shower and smell like sweaty hands that have been holding lot of pennies. i will never again stand in a puddle of my own blood in a dimly lit room-crying-shaking-scared-angry-lost-forgotten. i will never allow myself to feel that sting of the razor blade on my skin. i know it is like a drug. if i even allow myself to do it one more time.....i will want it more and more and more. it is like the more you do it the more of it you want. the deeper the cuts get the more of them you want to put on yourself. so i will not taint my new life. i will be stronger this time. i will do other things. i will sing and dance and color and play with play-dough and giggle and listen to kevin meany and pick flowers and make cookies and visit my neighbors and read and swim and on and on and on!

Panic on the BIG roads

2006-04-07T23:49:00.000-07:00

Seems that driving on the highways here in the big ol state of texas is taking its toll on me. the last 3 days i have been stricken with so many panic attacks when i have to drive somewhere. wednesday i had to take talon to the dentist. got lost-panicked and called tyler-she got me going in the right direction. later that day i went from the dentist to the apartment and got lost twice just trying to find my way home. i feel like such a moron when i do that kind of thing. i mean i just freak out and cry and i get so angry with myself. angry that i can not find my way around. i have never seen anyone who is so directionally challenged!!!!

i don't want to stay at home. that will only make the problem worse. so today i tried to take talon to an unschoolers playgroup. i spent 2 hours plus lost and had printed directions and a map to where i was going. i called tyler at work no less than 8 times because i was lost or could not find my way and did not see any of the streets on the directions. so i finally saw one road i knew and i called her and told her i wanted to go home. 3 calls later i was finally on the right road to get me home. the whole thing was a bust. i felt so incompitent. errrrrrr

First Days

2006-03-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today is March 25, 2006. This is my first blog entry. Don't know if anyone will read this but it is a great place for me to air my feelings. Kinda like the pensive.
Tomorrow we move into our new house. I am excited. Single story with a pool. Nothing fancy. Just seems like heaven after this 6 months in a very tiny apartment.
I am learning to like fruit smoothies.
I am listening to Linkin Park....then it switched to James Blunt.
At this spot I will add things dealing with being a pagan parent, addiction, and attempts at recovery.
I have now 6 months SI free. Most days I dont think about it, but some days I have to take it minute by minute. For those of yall that don't know what SI is....it stands for self injury. I am a cutter. I still have the razor blades...the scars have not faded any. But I am trying to be strong and not slip back into cutting.
I have an amazing 6 year old son. He is my total pride and joy.
I am "married" (domestic partnership) to a wonderful woman named Tyler. She has been such a loving and understanding partner. Every day I get up and get going with my family on my mind.
AHHHH I hear tape can boxes calling me. Why does moving have to always be such an issue?
Where are Cosmo and Wanda when I need them?
~~Cerridwen