That old feelin' again

Just venting here. I wanted to call my mom to talk, but I figured she would be busy with the 4th holiday and all. Tyler is having some side effects from the spinal steroidal injection. She read up on it and it is something called "Steroidal Psychosis". OY VEY!!! She read that it can effect 5 to 10% of the people who have this type of injection. I tell you I feel like I am loosing it.

She is very moody, depressed, sad, grumpy, and so on. This is not to say that having these feelings are what she wants. She can not control it. The you add my crazy ass into the mix. I just keep telling myself....

"HOLD IT TOGETHER WE BOTH CAN'T BE CRAZY AT THE SAME TIME!!!"

so it is now my time to hold things together. but it does not make it any easier. I sat in here earlier with my headphones on as loud as they would go and i still could not make the music loud enough to drown out the feelings.....Linkin Park's Numb.....pounded into my head as I smashed the headphones against my head with all my strength. It helps only a tiny bit.

everyone cant feel like this????? What is wrong with me??? I left the office and found my secret stash of razor blades. I gripped the case and I cried. Locked in the bathroom. I felt lost, afraid and alone. I battled within myself....cut or not to cut. I counted up how much time I had cut free. 9 months. since I last cut. what difference does it make? only hiding it now would be almost impossiable. I squeeze the case tighter in my hand. I jump up and tell myself NO I WONT LET THIS COME FOR ME HERE!!! I rehid the box of blades. I pulled on my swimsuit. It was already past sundown. I went outside. I was gonna swim or float or something but I was not gonna cut. I was not going to allow myself to do it even one time. Here I am trying to teach my child how to handle and deal with emotions that I can not deal with myself. so I vacuumed the pool. and the spa. came in took a shower.

I still feel aimless. Searching for something. I can feel it deep down. I have even sat and thought to myself.....how do I fill this void? I can't fill it with shopping---i could buy the world and still have an empty feeling. I can't fill it by eating....nothing really tastes good and then all you have done is consume shit you did not need to eat....but what is it i am lacking? why do i feel empty? how to other people learn to fill this space and what do they fill it with????

cerridwen.....confused and lost....but still cut free 9+ months