Anxiety, Panic, and Appetizers

errrr we are having the neighbors over for a bbq. i think i would rather sign up for a colonic than do this. and the strangest part is they are really nice people. they are an older couple that have been very welcoming and sweet.

honestly, i hate the panic i have before people come over. and today it is especially bad as i am dealing with some internal shit related to my mother. tyler's back is out and she is not able to help much. talon wants me to go in the pool with him. i feel stretched to my limits. it is not that i don't enjoy visiting with people i do. it is just that having people come into my house freaks me out. not when it is people i know, but people i don't know.

i have this chronic worry that the house smells funny. i am so frequently congested that i can never tell if things smell funny or not. i spend countless hours cleaning things and trying to make sure there is nothing that could possiably smell strange.

i just want it to be over with. errr i have this feeling like someone is squeezing my throat closed and jumping up and down on my chest. just come, eat and go!

cerridwen....who will never be tops at entertaining!