Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Our First Week in October

I guess I have been successful when it comes to making a schedule that keeps us

We started the week out on Monday with a trip out to Hurst to Chisholm park. Our homeschoolers group meets there every monday from 11 to 3. It was hot (102) so we only stayed about 2 hours. Popped home for Talon to grab a shower and for us to have some lunch. Then off to karate class. Home again after that.
Tuesday was a field trip to Sharkarosa Ranch. It was homeschoolers day there so the price was low, but they said this was the first time they had done this and they had about 10 times more people show up than they planned for. It is about an hour and a bit away. It is like a small wildlife preserve. We carpooled with Seana and her two little girls. They are from our homeschoolers list. It was HOT and the lines were very long, but we held out and endured to see all the animals. It was well an experience. Then it was off to drop Seana and the girls off at their house, go home change the sheets on the bed, run some laundry, grab us some lunch, and then get a quick shower. Tyler got home then and I was out the door to bellydancing class. It is a blast and a work out too! I was practicing my figure 8's and had my eyes closed....I was trying to find the right beat with the music. All of a sudden I heard all this clapping. Everyone in the class was applauding my figure 8's. It was good to know I was getting something right. Man my butt hurst today! Clench.....clench....clench....clench....oy vey!
Today it is off to sign class with one of the mom's who is on our homeschoolers list. I think it iwill be a great chance for Talon to practive with other kids. Later today I have to run to Wal-mart and pick up a few things.....fruit and cat food and such. Then this afternoon Talon has soccer.
Tomorrow it is off for homeschoolers day at the ft. worth zoo. all day thing, but that is the goal...keep busy and keep my butt off the couch. the busier I am the less likely depression will come after me.....or at least I wont let it catch me!!!!!
Friday is Whiffle ball with the homeschoolers group at Trinity park. It sounds fun. Then I have a crop from 6 to 12am.
Saturday we started voluenteering as a family at a local animal sanctuary for big cats. It is We spend most of Saturday there. We just love it. Talon can ride his bike and Tyler and I help weed, rake leaves, tidy up and such. I just hope it is not as hot as it was last week!
Sunday is down day. relax and recoup. then start new for monday.
that is all for now.....gotta fly outta here

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Well I guess I start counting again...was almost one year cut free

i gave into the urge last night. i have been feeling shitty for a few days and it just got to the point that i cried all i could cry and it was not helping. i went to take a shower. scrabbued down and then proceded to slice up my right thigh. i suppose it was a frenzy thing. trying to get rid of the anger and judgement i felt. i can usually tend to these myself, but last night i got all woozy and dizzy. i had not eaten yesterday. and i had to call tyler to come help me.
she did a great job. bandaged me and let me snuggle by her till i fell asleep.

i am so angry with myself that after all this time i broke down and gave in. i am going to see a new psychiatrist on monday to help me see if my saddness and lack of interest is a med problem.

i will start today new and try to deal witht he things that come my way better. tyler said i may have to go in to get some stitches. on cut reopened this morning and was running down my leg. i just bandaged it and am hoping to stay clear of the er.

thanks for listening,

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Having a down day

One of those bad days snuck up and bit me on the tail. I have been trying to fight it off all day.
** got up early to take Talon to Nature Camp. Got lost for 2 plus hours and never did end up finding my way there.
** trying to make the best of a bad situation we ended up going to a local park to play for a bit.
** we came home for awhile and took a nap.
** we then went to the library and found lots of cool new things to read
--raffi song book
--books on martial arts
--some dinosaur books
--and some books related our apple theme this month
--also i checked out a new belly dance dvd

**tyler took us out to dinner at Outback tonight. She had gotten several gift certificate cards for participating in projects at her work. Dinner was a nice treat.

** on the way home i launched into a full blown panic attack. tried to hide it from her. she tends to feel offended if i get upset. it was nothing she said or did. just shit in my head.

** how long does this shit go on in my head? how long will i keep hearing my mom telling me i am a fat cow? how long will i feel like i am nothing and i contribute nothing to my family? how long will i constantly hear inside my head that i am stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, broken, worthless, too damaged to be a parent, incapable of being a good mom, unable to get my child to behave or learn anything?????? HOW LONG????? WHAT MAKES THESE THINGS STOP??????

** i know some of these things to be irriational but it makes no difference to me. I still believe them to the point i can believe nothing else.

** how can i ever be a good mom when i am so damaged? i won't ever be as good as lydia or heather or cherie. i am sooo angry with myself. i hate the person i am. i want so much to be someone else. someone better. someone smarter. someone prettier. i just dont know how to get there. how to find that person.

it is comming up on a year since i last cut. why is it what when i feel worthless i want to cut???? i guess because when i feel this way it is like so many feelings that i dont know how to explain them or who to explain them to. i try to shove them down so deep that i forget about them.....but then they pop back up. at least cutting is something i can control. it is slow and soft and easy. it makes the feelings stop. i know i will feel better afterwards. i know i will feel that tired rush and just want to fall asleep. i suppose almost like an addict. i know i want it. i know it will make me stop feeling the feelings i dont want to feel. it gives me control. i can feel the feelings and think to myself .......yeah all those people have said horrid things to me and hurt me emotionally and spiritually.....but NO ONE will ever be able to inflict the kind of pain on me that i can inflict on myself. so fuck you is like taking away their power. taking it back. if only to harm myself with it.....but still taking it back.

i will try with all that i have left in me not to cut. to search for another way to rid myself of these feelings. i will try!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sunday, September 10, 2006

Pics of yard, plants, and Talon with Anna

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Was that almost a whole week that snuck by?

Where does time go???? Been busy here. I am not sure who put the word out that my family and I are open for a mosquito buffet. We have so many is all itch...scratch...itch! To hell with after dinner is after dinner Benadryl here. Just to keep the itching at bay!

I have been watching Anna the past two days and she will be here tomorrow. She was a terror on the first day, but she did now know us and we did not know her. By mid day today Talon was asking if we could keep her. I got some of the cutest pics of the two of them. It is such an odd pairing since he is 49 inches tall and about 85 pounds and she is height....well tiny and weighs just 13 pounds. But he is so good with her. I have some very different views of parenting as opposed to her mom. She wanted me to leave her in the swing and let her cry herself to sleep. UH NOPE!!!! I THINK NOT!!! how can i as someone who believes completely in attachement parenting and baby wearing allow that. Oh and the don't change her until her diaper is really fat and dont change her clothes unless she poops on them.....un yet another NO!!! She is a drooling mess and I am not leaving her in wet clothes or wet bibs or wet diapers. So she leaves and I do things my way. I do not have time to argue with her. I will not treat anyone elses child in a way i would not want my child treated. if she does not like my style she is free to find another sitter!

i am tired. guess it is the benadryl. tomorrow night is crop night. i am excited. i pod is fully loaded and i am ready to go!

pics comming soon....of the yard and talon and anna

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday Night Highlights

Ok I am totally guilty of not blogging on a regular basis. I guess life caught up with me. So I will fill yall in on the goings on here.....*listening to "London Bridge" London London London*

--Been working hard to make sure Talon is participating in enough social activities. Registered him for a karate class and a basketball class at the rec center. He and I are also participating in the Nature Camp that the homeschoolers group goes to once a month. We are going to several productions by the children's theater. Add in the library, the park, bike rides, and other stuff....his calender is full.
--I have been back to the fertility doctor. I have to do 2 more months on the YAZ and then she wants to try me on Letrozol. It is supposed to be similar to Clomid. Seems the YAZ has blessed me with some acne that I thought I was long done with. Not alot just one or two spots, but ugh!
--Tyler is scheduled to have gastric bypass in October. We are having to pay for it since there seems to be an exclusion in our health insurance. Oh well I would rather spend the money on that and have here here with me. We are all excited about the changes to come. We will have a hard time adjusting in the beginning, but I think it will benifit us all greatly.
--a woman from Tyler's work needs an emergency baby sitter next week and I am gonna be keeping her 5 month old little girl. Seems fun. But she is soooo tiny. and she is a girl! I really am more comfortable tending to little boys. I mean 4 brothers and a son. Guess it is time to branch out and learn something new.
--We got back from vacation and had the sprinkler system put in. We have slowly been adding plants in the front and back yard. We bought 2 yellow hibisus plants. They are beautiful. Also 2 blue hygrangias. 2 palm trees, a flat of this kinda tufted grass, 3 big puffy grasses like sand dune grass and 2 dwarf banana plants. talon also chose some flowers that are purple. The yard is starting to come back to life. some grass is actually growing!!!
--We are trying to go GAME SYSTEM free. well at least during the week. they broke down and pulled it out tonight. it is fine with me. friday is my night for scrapbooking. there was no crop tonight so i am home, but still working on a scrapbook swap.
that is all for now!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Requested update for today

It is Friday. Still pretty much the same old things going on here. Yesterday I kept Talon hoppin' and he crashed out around 9:30. Now that is WAY earlier than his normal 11:30 bedtime!
Yesterday we also did this cool crafty thing. I saw someone post something similar on the DIY scrapbooking board, but we tried it her way. We did not like it. So we got creative and came up with our own plan as to how to make it.
The board stated you can make shapes out of toilet paper if you layer them into a mold and then wet them. Well that worked out fine, but it was not all that intresting. So we changed some things.
I added bleeding tissue paper (means when wet the color will fade out into the water) to several cups. We then tore the toilet paper into squares nad put it in the blender with water. buzz buzz buzz and we had a white pulp kinda stuff. I strained the water out and we packed in into the molds (we used sculpy molds and made leaves and flowers and candy molds to make frogs and turtles). We experimented with adding drops of the colored water and letting it seep through. We also tipped them out and painted some of them with Talon's glitter water colors (ohhhhh we both just love these!---they are by prang) We put them on a cookie sheet and let them stay in the oven for a bit on 170. they came out so cool. don't know what we will do with then yet but they are fun to make and look cool.
so we are off to have some lunch.